The honor and shame worldview

All of the aspects of appropriate cultural expression included on this page fall within a very important paradigm in most eastern cultures: the honor/shame worldview paradigm. Mastering the appropriate ways of interaction can show honor instead of shame, both in terms of Muslim people we meet and our own reputation. Of course, some of the Muslims we meet may already be making big adjustments to our western cultural context, but if we emphasize an awareness of the things listed below, we will be much less likely to offend our Muslim friends and much more likely to honor them and their families.

The importance of family and community

We may be very used to our individualistic Western culture, but for Muslim people an individual finds his or her identity, honor, respect, meaning, and so much more, as a member of a family and community. It is so important for us to remember this when relating to individual Muslims, and to try to understand the implications of our words and actions, not just for the one person we are talking to, but for his or her family and cultural or religious group. A family or community’s honor is greatly impacted by the actions of the individual person.

Verbal greetings

What do you answer when someone says to you, “What’s up?” “Not much,” right? The words don’t seem to have any meaning beyond acknowledging that there is another human being somewhere near us. The opposite thing happens routinely in many Muslim cultures. People can take quite a long time greeting each other because after they ask about the person him or herself they go on to ask about the person’s family and health and other aspects of their life from various different angles. The Islamic greeting, Assalam-o-Aleykum (Peace be upon you) and it’s reply, Wa Aleykum Assalam (And upon you peace) is the appropriate way to greet Muslims the world over, even in places where greetings are still used from pre-Islamic times.

Shaking hands

Always use the right hand. As a rule, men and women should not shake hands. Some Muslims will place their hand over their heart after shaking hands (e.g. Pakistan and Afghanistan). In some cultures it is important to greet everyone in a room when entering the room, which can include shaking hands.

Beyond shaking hands

Muslims will often hug members of the same sex on special occasions (e.g. Eid celebrations) or if old friends have not seen one another for a long time. Some Arabs will “air kiss” next to one another’s faces, but only among the same gender.

Contact between men and women, boys and girls

It is best to avoid all contact with people of the opposite sex. Some western women find it very natural to touch a man’s arm when talking to him, but this should definitely be avoided. Normal and perfectly acceptable ways of relating within western cultures can communicate very unintended things to Muslims. Muslims can interpret eye contact, smiling, laughter, spending time together, and any kind of physical touch between men and women as an indication of affection beyond mere friendship. It is important for men to minister only to men and for women to minister only to women.

Laughter

Humor and laughter are a great part of relationships. At the same time, it is better to be conservative in how we relate to people of the opposite sex in the area of laughter, as mentioned above. In some Muslim cultures too much familiarity between men and women in laughter can appear scandalous.

Eye contact and winking

It is always best to avoid or minimize eye contact between men and women. This may be especially difficult for western people who are used to a more direct interaction with people around them, but it is important to remember, as direct eye contact can be interpreted as being very forward. Avoid winking, as in some Muslim cultures winking always has sexual connotations.

Use of the right hand only

Never use your left hand for shaking hands, eating, drinking, pointing at anything, or handing something to someone. The left hand is associated with bodily functions below the waste, i.e. going to the bathroom.

Gesturing

The safest way to gesture at someone or something is to use the entire hand. The way we point to or at something or someone in western culture may appear very rude in Muslim cultures. Pointing with one finger, using the thumbs up sign, the “ok” sign, and beckoning for someone to come using an upturned hand are offensive in many Muslim cultures. When beckoning someone to come to you it is best to use a downturned palm.

Feet

The soles of the feet are considered dirty by many Muslim cultures. For this reason, it is good to avoid crossing one’s legs so that the bottom of one’s feet are facing someone else in the room. Another thing to remember is that if you ever have occasion to visit a mosque, it is good to sit on the floor with legs crossed and your feet under you, avoiding the more comfortable position of leaning against the back wall with your legs straight out.

Shoes

Muslims remove their shoes when entering a mosque and typically a home. This is good to remember when visiting the homes of our Muslim friends, who will often have a large collection of their own shoes outside the front door or inside on a shelf.

Pork

Pork is so taboo for Muslims that for some more secularized Muslims not eating pork defines what it means to be a Muslim. Needless to say, avoiding pork or references to pork around Muslims is helpful. What do you do when a Muslim asks you if you eat pork or asks you what it tastes like? One suggestion is to talk about what Jesus said in Matthew 15:10-20. He says, “It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth …” Focusing on the words of Jesus and even reading the passage with a Muslim person may not seem to disarm the immediate question, but it may give them an opportunity to think more deeply about the real importance of their question. Peter’s experience with adjusting to God’s grace for the gentiles in Acts 10 is another good place to end up with Muslims.

Alcohol

In spite of the strict prohibition against drinking alcohol in Islam, many Muslims do drink, some more discretely than others. Pakistan, for example, is facing a growing problem with alcoholism and deaths related to home-brewed alcoholic drinks. However, Muslims universally acknowledge that Islam forbids drinking alcohol, so we should avoid using alcohol around Muslims or joking about it.

Clothing

Women will feel more comfortable around Muslims if they dress more conservatively. What does this mean? A longer length dress or skirt is fine. Stay away from sleeveless shirts. Shorts must be avoided entirely. If wearing pants, which is ok, a longer shirt covering the body is acceptable. If visiting a mosque it is best to be prepared with a headscarf, which some mosques even require for women visitors. Men will also communicate respect for Muslims if they dress conservatively. Even though some Muslims may appear more informal, it is still better to dress wearing casual slacks and a decent shirt, especially when first meeting people. Muslims do wear jeans, but many times will dress a little nicer when going out. In many Muslim countries, men are often careful to cover themselves, even wearing long sleeves. Shorts should be avoided by men as well, except when taking part in sports events or when with very close Muslim friends.

Demeanor

It is impossible to overestimate the positive impact of a cheerful and friendly demeanor in our relationships with Muslims. Some Christians have become overwhelmingly loved and accepted within Muslim cultures through consistently demonstrating a friendly, warm, smiling attitude toward others, even earning the descriptor “very good human being.” We cannot overstate the benefit and blessings that come from a healthy emphasis on being the “fragrance of Christ” among our Muslim friends.

Events and people vs. time

Although many Muslims do appreciate how punctual we tend to be in the West, many Muslim cultures do default to placing a high value on the event and the person over punctuality. This requires patience for those used to people arriving on time and events starting at the stated time. Being impatient will achieve nothing good. In the western context, Muslims may well be much more punctual than in some Muslim cultures. However, if we emphasize giving attention to people and a willingness to spend time with them, we can’t go wrong. People from many other cultures view westerners, including Americans, as enslaved to our schedules and calendars. Muslims can be pleasantly surprised when we love them through an “unrushed” demonstration of attentiveness and friendship. This is just one more way to show them honor and respect.

Invitations

Many Muslims will greatly appreciate being given a printed invitation to an event. This is especially true of Iranians but of others as well.

Hospitality

It has been said that it is hard to outdo Muslims when it comes to hospitality. Most Muslim cultures have hospitality firmly built into them. This is partly due to the emphasis on earning merit in Islam through showing hospitality to guests. Some of this also comes from the desert hospitality of the Middle East, where a person’s own honor is at stake based on their ability to welcome and protect guests … and even enemies. No matter the motivation, Muslim hosts are some of the most gracious, generous, and self-sacrificing of any peoples. We would do well to receive their hospitality graciously, and show them extravagant hospitality as well. One part of showing hospitality is serving food or drinks to guests without asking, as in some cultures they may politely refuse one or more times. Another part is showing how much we care by finding out what foods are acceptable to them (halal) and which are forbidden (haram).

Gift giving

Muslim cultures vary on whether it is appropriate for a guest to bring a gift when invited to a Muslim person or family’s home. There are resources online which can answer this question specific to the culture of the person giving the invitation.

Holy books

Placing the Qur’an on the floor or even on a chair where someone would sit is considered a sign of great disrespect to the holy book. We should show respect for all holy books, including the Qur’an and the Bible. Biblical references, Bibles and New Testaments, and devotional materials should not be kept in or displayed in bathrooms, which are considered an inappropriate environment for holy books. When hosting Muslims at a Christian venue or in a Christian home, Bibles should be placed respectfully on a table or shelf. (To give you an idea of how seriously Muslims take respect for their holy book, Muslim homes will often feature a special shelf up high in the room, especially for holding the Qur’an.) When carrying the Bible, we should hold it with our right hand, at least above waist level.

Respect for older people

This is an area of great opportunity for us in building relationships with Muslims. Older people are still shown great respect in many Muslim cultures, though this beautiful and biblical aspect of culture is being lost, even in some of the most traditional societies. Showing respect for older people we meet among Muslims through using terms like Dr., Mr. or Mrs., for example, and through letting them walk in front of us or go through a door ahead of us, or through serving them first when it comes to food or drinks, goes a long way in building goodwill and relationships of trust.

Honor and respect

If Muslim people know that you are trying to show them honor and respect, they will more easily forgive any cultural blunders you may make. How can you do this? Being agreeable when talking with those older than you, rather than disagreeing with them or arguing with them is one very powerful way. Deferring to those in authority and being aware of people’s status within their own community or culture is another. Learning about a Muslim immigrant’s culture, customs, traditions, religion, history, and geography of their country also does wonders for relationships with Muslim people, who are often surprised to find out that we know anything at all about such things. Yes, there is a strong, patriarchal honor system in many Muslim cultures that has evil tendencies, such as honor killing of apostates from Islam or of girls who date or marry outside their family’s wishes. We do not want to show respect for this broken and godless aspect of some Muslim cultures. However, we wish to emphasize the fact that so many of the things listed above for appropriate interaction with Muslims and avoiding offense are in fact ways of showing honor and respect, in keeping with the biblical commands to regard others as more important than ourselves and to do to others as we would have them do to us.